Key ideas
A central aim of Stoicism is to maintain our tranquility even when things are difficult. Other people can frequently be the source of that difficulty. Stoic practices offer a shield against insults or offense.
- There is a 100% chance that you will encounter someone difficult as you go about your life and work. This is true if you are rich or poor, powerful or powerless.
- Recognizing this fact, we might as well find better ways of dealing with difficult people. Stoicism offers some practical advice for responding to the many kinds of difficulties that arise in our daily interactions with other humans — while maintaining a tranquil mind.
- One practice involves letting insults and affronts roll off like water on a stone. As Seneca describes, “The success of an insult depends on the sensitivity and the indignation of the victim.”
- Another practical Stoic approach to dealing with insults from others is the use of humor. Laughing off insults creates a shield of sorts. Bullies expect you to wither in the face of their oh-so-clever ad hominem attacks. A well-placed joke can knock the wind right out of that.
Transcript
There’s a good chance you will encounter someone soon that is a pain in your backside. Maybe it’s someone rude or disrespectful in line at the sandwich shop. Or a coworker talking over you at a meeting, undermining your efforts to make themselves look better in front of the boss. It could be even worse, something like a supposed friend betraying you or a business partner backstabbing you, stealing your clients and your money. Or maybe someone is wrong on the internet.
I’m on the side that most people are generally pretty cool. Further, most of life’s great pleasures derive from interactions with other people. But there is no shortage of frustrating behaviors when it comes to dealing with human beings.
Looking back on history, this has always been the case. And probably always will be the case.
This is true if you’re an average person. And it’s true even if you’re wealthy and powerful. For example, in his time, Marcus Aurelius was emperor of the most powerful nation in the world. Yet he dealt with conniving nobles, incompetent generals, dishonest politicians, and any manner of difficult people.
In his journal, called by modern publishers Meditations, he describes one of his morning rituals:
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me.”
Now, on the one hand, this sounds like somewhat of a depressing practice, to always bring to mind the most distressing characteristics of our fellow humans. But on the other hand, this practice could be a powerful way to inoculate ourselves against the inevitable “slings and arrows” of life with people.
This is the fourth episode in a series looking at dealing with people. I’m going to explore some ideas from Stoicism that can help us respond to the many kinds of difficulties that arise in our daily interactions with other humans.
A central aim of Stoicism is to maintain a tranquil mind. But not tranquility in the sense of “my life is perfect, no worries at all, so I can finally be calm.” Rather, the goal of Stoic practice is to achieve tranquility regardless of external conditions. If conditions are good, that’s fabulous; enjoy them. If conditions are difficult, do your best to accept them. If life throws you a shit storm, no different. Maintain your tranquility and do what you need to do, as well as you can do it.
In this way, Stoicism has a lot in common with Buddhism, which also emphasizes equanimity: neither growing attached to desirable circumstances nor unwilling to accept undesirable circumstances. Both traditions teach that attachments disrupt our tranquility. And detachment from relying on external conditions supports our tranquility.
Our interactions with other people provide a rich opportunity to practice these ideas. Much like Marcus Aurelius described, we are nearly certain to encounter some folks who can royally piss us off. Whether it’s getting cut off in traffic or someone spewing toxic garbage from their mouths or keyboards, life presents ample opportunities to practice cultivating detachment.
The Stoics offer some practical suggestions for dealing with difficult people. A common theme is letting insults and affronts roll off like water on a stone. As Seneca describes, “The success of an insult depends on the sensitivity and the indignation of the victim.” Epictetus provides a vivid depiction of this practice:
“What is it to be insulted? Stand by a stone and insult it; what will you gain? And if you listen like a stone, what will be gained by one who insults you? But if he has a stepping-stone in the weakness of his victim, then he accomplishes something.”
Another practical Stoic approach to dealing with insults or just unsavory characters, in general, is the use of humor. Laughing off insults creates a shield of sorts. Bullies expect you to wither in the face of their oh-so-clever ad hominem attacks. A well-placed joke can knock the wind right out of that. Seneca tells a story of Cato keeping cool in a situation that would make most of us flip the freak out:
As Cato was arguing a case, Lentulus – that violent partisan, remembered by our fathers – gathered as much thick saliva as he could and spat right in the middle of Cato’s forehead. Cato wiped off his face and said, “I’ll assure everyone, Lentulus, that they’re wrong when they say that you’re not worth spit.”
Now, of course, it takes a strong will to maintain your calm in a situation like this. And even more so to come up with something actually funny. Not sure if I could pull that off. But worth trying, at least!
When I think of these kinds of Stoic practices, Abraham Lincoln comes to mind. Although he wasn’t a Stoic, he embodied many of its principles. For instance, he was well regarded for his capacity to endure great hardship, of letting great difficulties roll off of him. He didn’t give up or give in to despair, even when people betrayed or failed him, like some of his generals in the Civil War.
And his self-deprecating humor in the face of insult is legendary. In a debate with Stephen Douglass, some hecklers called him two-faced. Lincoln responded, “If I had another face, would I be wearing this one?”
As Lincoln demonstrated, using humor doesn’t mean not taking situations seriously. Rather, it just means leaning on laughter to lighten the load of difficulties.
Detachment from insults, conflicts, or other difficulties doesn’t mean not caring about problems. It just means not allowing ourselves to get swept away by despair or anger, or any other emotion that prevents us from being our best selves. Detachment from things we can’t control contributes to our tranquility. Our tranquility contributes to better relationships and greater effectiveness in what we do. As Epictetus describes: “There is only one road to happiness — let this rule be at hand morning, noon, and night: stay detached from things that are not up to you.”
Well, that’s all for now. Join me again next week as I continue this series on dealing with people. I’ll look at some insights from the Axial Age central to a number of traditions. Be sure to subscribe for more episodes. If you enjoy the podcast, please leave me a review; it really helps! And please share this with a friend if you think it will be helpful to someone. Until the next time, be well!
References:
- The Practicing Stoic by Ward Farnsworth
- A Guide to the Good Life by William B Irvine
- https://www.history.com/news/abraham-lincoln-famous-quotes-speeches
- https://www.americanheritage.com/if-i-had-another-face-do-you-think-id-wear-one
Podcast soundtrack credit:
Our Story Begins Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/